Chapter 1 – The Silent Cry
One morning my seven-year-old son and I went for breakfast at a well-known local restaurant. It was very full that morning, so we sat at the breakfast bar, laughing and talking while we waited for our food. A woman in her middle forties kept looking at my son and me, so I politely smiled at her. Several minutes later, she leaned over to me and said, “You have such a nice son.” Flattered, I smiled and said, “Well, thank you very much.”
As we exchanged our greetings, I could hear a silent cry coming from her. I could hear this woman’s pain. I didn’t know what it was, but I could hear it. Almost immediately she began sharing her story with me. The woman had just returned from the hospital where she was visiting her father who was dying from cancer. As she talked, the silent cry grew louder. Then the moment of truth came when she said, “You know, I cannot remember my father ever saying anything nice to me. He always told me I would be nothing. I would go nowhere. He has never, ever been kind to me.” Courageously, she continued with tears in her eyes, “So here I am at the hospital with my father who is dying and I am trying really hard to be nice to him. But even on his death bed, he is still talking me down and telling me what I can’t be in life. I don’t know what to do with that.”
I knew at that moment this woman was dealing with a Subtracter, who happened to be her parent. A father who had taken away her dreams, vision, goals, courage and confidence to be successful in life. At 45 years old, she was still suffering from the impact, influence and power of a Subtracter, a father who had damaged her self-esteem and derailed her potential to be excellent.
So, who is a Subtracter? Do Subtracters know they are Subtracters? Are they mean and vicious people? Do they understand what they are doing? This woman needed to understand who she was dealing with, even though it happened to be a parent, and how to deal with this Subtracter so she could begin to live a happy life. This woman deserved a life of confidence and fulfillment. She didn’t deserve to carry around this cry in the depths of her bones for the rest of her life.
For many of us, there is a silent cry in our hearts and minds about the why in life. Many of us are secretly asking ourselves, “Why am I not where I should be in life?” “Why am I not happy?” “Why do I constantly doubt myself?” “Why do I have so much chaos in my life?” “Why do things always seem to go wrong for me?” “Why can’t I get that promotion?”
Listen hard enough and you, too, will hear the silent cry at work, at home, at the mall, at school, everywhere you may work, travel or live. People may never shed a physical tear, but watch their attitudes, their behavior, their interactions with people. Listen to their self-talk and you will hear the silent cry.
I discovered the silent cry when I began conducting seminars and executive coaching based on my first book, The Power of People, Four Kinds of People Who Can Change Your Life. This book describes four core principles. First, you were born with power. It doesn’t matter what color you are, what ethnicity you are, what gender, nationality or religion you are. It doesn’t matter if your parents were wealthy or poor. It doesn’t matter what circumstances into which you were born. The fact that you were born means that you were born powerful. You were born with something in you—power. Power is an internal spiritual force that gives you what you need to create changes in your life and your world. Everyone has it. No matter who you are, you have power.
Second, no one else has more power than you have. You no longer have to be intimidated by people, or be moved by what they say or how they act. The fact is, no matter what someone has accomplished, they still do not have more power than you have.
The third thing you have to understand about your power is that no one can take it from you, but you can give it away. Your power belongs to you. The only way it can be used or abused is when you give it away. What does it mean to give away your power? It means you give away your options to choose for yourself. When you let other people take away your option to choose, you surrender your power. In my workshops and seminars, I began to see how people reacted to learning these lessons about their personal power. Many would begin to cry because for so many years, they had given up their power. They were crying because they didn’t understand how powerful they were and now wanted to stop giving away their power.
The fourth core principle about power is that when you understand your power and begin to use it, your power begins to multiply. The more you use your power, the more you are able to use it. As I began giving seminars and talking with people about their situations and their personal power, they began telling me about the powerful people in their lives.
In my first book I described four kinds of powerful people, the first being the Adder. An Adder brings increased value to your life. An Adder is someone who works with you on your ability to improve your life in four dimensions. First, an Adder brings positive value to how you use your time. Adders challenge you on your use of time because they know that how you use your time forms habits in your life, and those habits create the quality of your life. An Adder says, “I want to bring increased value, positive value to the quality of your life, so I will challenge you to use your time wisely.” For example, an Adder will say if you use your time watching television, then the quality of your life is going to become unproductive because television viewing is unproductive. Adders want to increase your productivity, so they will challenge you to use your time to accomplish goals that will increase the quality of your life.
Second, an Adder wants to bring positive value to your words. An Adder realizes that whatever you speak, the words that come out of your mouth will take on a life of their own and will begin to live in you. It’s amazing to hear people speak. Some will say, “I am going to get sick,” and without exception they will get sick within days. The reason why is because they have told themselves, “I am going to get sick.” The power of words is a principle. Everything you say takes on a life of its own. That is why an Adder warns you to be careful of the words you choose. Be careful what you say. Be careful what comes out of your mouth. Finally, be careful what you think, because your thoughts form the words that you speak, which then create the life that you live.
Third, Adders are committed to increasing your knowledge. You must learn more, you must know more, you must grow more. You must increase your information. An Adder realizes you cannot grow beyond your knowledge. You cannot grow beyond how much you know. If you want to grow in your business, you have to learn more about business. If you want to grow in your relationships, learn more about relationships. If you want to grow more in your finances, learn more about finances.
Adders are also committed to bringing increased value in your vision and goals. An Adder will always challenge you to have clear goals and a powerful vision statement for your life. They realize that when you get to the place where you understand your personal power and purpose are bigger than you are, then you can create positive change in your world. It is not just about feeling powerful. It is about how to bring positive value and changes in your life and your world. An Adder realizes that creating change might start with you and your children. It might start with your co-worker. It might start in your neighborhood around the block. Because Adders realize this, they encourage you to create a vision statement about bringing increased value to your world. What do Adders really want? They want you to become an Adder to yourself, to the people in your life, to your community, to your world. To make that happen, an Adder realizes you must have clear goals that are realistic, attainable and measurable. You must have goals in your personal and professional lives.
As I teach about Adders in my seminars and workshops I see hope in the eyes of the audience. I see them discovering their personal power. I see them realizing what they can do. Many have new revelations and begin to think new thoughts about their potential for excellence in life.
Then I begin to teach about Subtracters. Unlike Adders, the only thing Subtracters care about is themselves. They go about crashing people’s lives. They take from people. They will take your energy, your time, your resources and your influence. Subtracters will steal your confidence and anything of value. Subtracters are energy suckers stuck in “drama.” They know how to draw you into their drama cycle, taking everything you’ve worked so hard for. They get you to the place where you no longer have confidence to take an action step to create change in your life. In your soul and spirit, you carry Subtracters on your back every day as they slowly take everything and anything of value out of your life. One day, you realize it has been fifteen years since you had any sense of fulfillment or happiness, or any positive change in your life because you are surrounded by a group of Subtracters who have drained you of your potential for success and happiness in life.
As I began to talk about Subtracters some people would begin to physically weep. Some would get mad and upset and others would have great revelations. But through it all I began to hear the silent cry. It would come up out of all types of groups. Sometimes it was with corporate executives with big titles wearing designer suits. Sometimes it was a mother on welfare. I would see the silent cry in their eyes. I would see it in their faces. I would see it in their posture. I would hear it. I would literally hear the silent cry from people who have lived with Subtracters for so long. They have allowed Subtracters to keep them from attaining anything of value in their lives, because they had given their lives to the Subtracters. They have been giving away their power to Subtracters for years.
At the end of the seminars people come up to talk with me. Regardless of who they were or what they looked like, regardless of how much money they made or didn’t make, they would all say the same thing. “Please help me deal with my Subtracters. I need help. My boss is a Subtracter. My mother is a Subtracter. My children are Subtracters. My best friend, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, what do I do?” After literally thousands of people asked, The Silent Cry energized in my spirit as an answer to the call to help people. This book was created because thousands of people want to learn how to deal with Subtracters in work and life.
This book is designed to be a holistic view on how to deal with Subtracters. It will challenge you and give you specific techniques that will keep Subtracters from derailing and devaluing your life. It will provide you with strategies and tools for dealing with a Subtracter boss or co-worker. It will also give you tips and methods for dealing with a Subtracter parent or child. Let me warn you however, this book will not help you if you are not ready to do the work. You must be ready to ask yourself the hard questions. You must be prepared to be honest with yourself. If you are not ready, this book will simply frustrate and offend you and be just another book on your shelf.
My goal is for you to understand that you have a birthright. You were born with a right to feel valuable. You were born with a right to feel important. You were born with a right to be loved and be powerful. In your life you cannot exercise your rights until you come to this place where you are honest with yourself and acknowledge your silent cry. I will give you strategies so that you will cry no more and that you will realize your full potential for excellence in work and life. You can realize your power and begin to use it to bring value to your life and to your world.
